Cracked! This Is What Women Want

Some time back, I cracked the code for happiness ... for which I should have been awarded some prize or something, but it's ok! However, I feel enlightened today as I post about this whistle-blowing, world changing discovery. I seem to have finally found out what women really want. The great thing is ... like most of the solutions to complex questions, the solution to this problem statement is pretty simple. Please read on ... 

Last year sometime in October, I was walking back from the gymkhana grounds towards the Bombay76 shop ... and I am pretty sure it was one lazy Saturday evening.

Now, the footpath that borders the road on which I was walking is pretty narrow ... good only for two average girthed bodies to walk together. No wonder, then, that if two ladies are walking from the opposite side, chances are that you might overhear their blah blah blah no matter how hard you may try to ignore them.

So that's what happened. From around 15 metres away, I could listen to the conversation of these two very average looking members of the louder ... oops .. fairer sex. The crux of their conversation is not important at all ... so I won't take the pains of trying to remember that, and jot it down here. Especially since you are so, so eager to find out about the startling discovery. I'll just mention the most important part ... which went as follows.

The first one went, "Oh ... so cute!!"
The second one chimed, "Really no!?!! So, so cute!! I can take it home!!" 

That's it.

For a while I wondered who they were talking about. In a jiffy, I realised they were talking about a dog that was walking close to me ...

Now ... here's the deal. That dog was just an average street dog. Nothing else. Not a Pug (the Vodafone dog, which used to be ugly but the Vodafone adverts turned the tables) ... neither a Pomeranian ... just a typical, average, bitten-at-several-places, hungry, desperate-to-pee, helpless, sidey dog.

I was left wondering ... so, naturally, I checked it again. But it was all the same ... all ... the ... same ...! Not a hint of cuteness in it. Nothing sweet ... it stunk, it even looked like it stinks. Since I just couldn't figure out what was so cute about it, I went into my usual theoretical mode (that's the way I am ... I gain empirical knowledge, and make my theories around them. Probably most of us are like that, aren't we! We sometimes try to solve a maths problem, fail, look at the answer on the back page, and figure out a solution which feels so, so simple in hindsight)!

And this is what I theorised. Read with intent, ladies and gentlemen, since what follows is the Eternal Truth. Bitter, but eternal. It's the one discovery that will help you make sense of almost everything in this world. It sheds enlightening light on everything that followed the moment when the Forbidden Fruit was bit, when the peace on this planet went for a toss. Here it goes:

Women want a f***king tail wagger in their life ... a highly domesticable animal which, they think, they can take home whenever they want to.

Women want a poor looking (no matter how filthy), seemingly helpless, at-their-disposal, an-almost-slavelike soul who, they think, might follow them wherever they go. This soul need not be good looking/street smart/hygienic ... but it's got to know how to lick their face (if it wants food ... even a bone), to cuddle them when they want it to cuddle them, and to stop cuddling when they want it to stop.

Women need a mute, practically tied-up, and resistanceless mammal ... probably who could pretend to listen to all their ramblings no matter how nonsensical they may be. If it knows how to whine with them in a ... well ... womany manner, even better.

Women need a creature with self-pity in it's eyes. Not just self-pity, but searching, helpless eyes ... making the women feel that they are the ultimate answer to this search, this helplessness.

They want a lifeless, speechless animal who could just sleep at the edge of one of their feet as the other foot plays with the animal's head. 

When these women feel like taking this animal out for a walk, they will make sure that it's tidy, clean, decked-up - doesn't matter if it has spent it's entire life the opposite way. The only reason women do this is to get brownie points for themselves from the watching society ("Hey ... your dog is cute!")

Ironically, while these women want this mammal to be as henpecked as possible while in the privacy of their home, they want it to be entertaining, barking, growling, energetic, almost killing when they step out of the house together. 

That's what my research says. All a woman wants is a bloody dog in their life. Whether it comes from the homo-sapien species, or the hound species ... doesn't matter. That is ... as long as it fulfills these conditions mentioned above. Sadly, most of the males are willing to become one for them :)

My darling friend Milan would always say, "Yaar Topi ... ladki patane ke liye kutta banna padta hai. Tujhe bhi banna padega ek din!" Now it's making sense to me :P My hope is, I wouldn't have to go through all this if and whenever I like a woman in my life. Is it that hard to find pure, unconditional love?

Like all research, I am going to come up with some more conclusions ... in lines similar to those mentioned above. But you've got the gist, right? So this is where I take a breather.

Moreover, I have to play a volley game in 10 minutes' time ... which means I will be taking the same route to the gymkhana. I hope I see another one of those 'cute' dogs ... just so that I get some more perspective.

And here's a quote that I heard eons ago: "Dogs and men fight over bitches."