Dreadful Year - Personal Note

While I write this, the general population is busy preparing for the year ending/starting party, cocktails, and fireworks of all kinds. Looking back, this year, my 30th in this world, was probably the worst of them all.

I have been speaking with some people whom I know very well, and *each one* of them has confided that there have been eras in their lives where they had this constant urge to kill themselves, but that thing called hope dragged them through. At the start of this year, when I was going through a similar zone of disillusionment of my own, I had a feeling that I am one of those unfortunate few - but to my amazement (and let me clearly admit here - it was a relief too - a much needed boost to my faltering ego), *every one* I asked conceded about their own periods of depression - be it due to love (or lack of it), work, family, money, deaths etc. etc. This is the time when the mind keeps churning one thought or the other, keeps fighting with itself, when all your ideals and rules come crashing down, when all you feel like doing is leave the country and settle in a place, detached from your current circle, where no one knows you! (Here, I find it important to mention that this is exactly the time when one should refrain from taking life-decisions - the mind is just not healthy enough).

So, while earlier I was craving for sympathetic attention from my people (the more the better), everything seems pretty normal now. Everyone does have a bad time once in a while - happens more with entrepreneurs who live and sleep in uncertainty almost every day, and can see their peers making money, marrying, and making-merry! Also, the choice was entirely mine - I chose to be independent, and loneliness is always the price you pay for independence.

I am pretty sure that if I didn't have my FCUK football group, and the every-morning indulgence of some really enticing football, I would have been a complete slouch today! Some suggested hi-fi tranquilizing medicines, some suggested yogic postures - but almost all the 'experts' I happened to chance upon informed me that *every* individual goes through atleast 6 months of utterly-suicidal personal depression betweem the age of 25-35 (beware you folks)!!!

I was told, mostly by misleaders, that there is only so much that can get one out of such times: loads of attention, sex, positive indulgence, and medicine (or some structured therapy). On second thoughts, I believe these may be some easier, loser-type solutions. People can do much better and come out of it all in style. However, living on one's own, on the other hand, makes sure that all loneliness is soon converted to isolation, which converts to insulation. After that, God save the soul.

For me, the most depressing aspect of that entire period was staying in a ulti-moronic city like Bangalore - without ol' friends, without any chai-ki-dukaan (really - you want a chai here - you have to go out to Mochas or CCD and spend 50 obscene-bucks), without any hindi-speaking people (suffocating - truly suffocating). This city just sucks - big time - so much so that I am tempted to now think about moving out of here. I would have done that a long time ago if not for MeraSport - with which I was finding my feet under the table all throughout the year. Actually, living in the southern zone of India can be pretty exacting on mind. 

Thankfully, though, ManU (whom I follwed very closely with Garima, Bongi, and Garima's Cold Coffees) won the Champions League, the Premier League, and there was Euro 2008 to see all through the summers ...!

Getting out of this phase required pushing myself to the Monday morning movies, initiating a project involving street children and sports (initially very amoebic, but taking good shape today), working voluntarily for the IITBAA Bangalore Chapter (and the FCUK football group), watching football at pubs with the nice friends at FCUK, toning and building myself physically to whatever extent I could, and designing-and-printing tees (I'll soon put them up on this site for sale)!

(While I pray that 2009 fares much better for me, all you depressed people out there - roll your sleeves up, catch the bull by it's horns, and do something about your state lest you regret later. Please, also, start following ManU - that will keep you in high spirits).

The worst thing anyone in this state could do, though, is to stay quiet and not call their friends/family and share the state with them. There's no ego to be lost  - infact, this is the time friends and family are really made for. They *will* be of some help atleast (unless they are really depressed themselves) ... if not fully healing.

While I strike the keys, I am listening to the magnificent Rabbi singing, "Barhe din baad kal aaya uhda phone si ... kahinda din ta langh jaanday, par shaam ni ..." (There's one more solid line from this song, Gill 'Te Guitar, which leaves me moved, "Jadon na kujh agge disse ... Tahion banda vekhe pichhe") ...

Beautiful! People reading this blog regularly know my traditional sign-off routine with a quote. The one below, however, happens to be one of my favourites!

It's the downs that make the roller-coaster rides so exciting!